When I came home from vacation, I was expecting to relax, maybe pop open a bottle of wine with my wife, and enjoy the peace of our home. Instead, we walked into a living room that looked like a complete frat house after a party from Hell.

There were beer cans everywhere, dirty clothes tossed in random piles, and the smell, my goodness, the smell. And there, sprawled out on my couch like he owned the place, was my older brother, Theodore, or Ted, as everyone called him.

“Ted, what the hell? What is this? Why are you in my house?” I asked, trying to stay calm, though my blood pressure was rising by the second.

Nina, my wife, looked around our living room and rolled her eyes. In that moment, I knew that I had to fix it or I’d have to deal with a very upset wife.

My brother looked up, casually, like I hadn’t just caught him red-handed.

“Oh, hey, Jeremy,” he said. “Mom and Dad figured that it would be easier if I just moved in while you were gone. You’ve got all this space, and it’s not like you’re using it, you know? You and Nina are either working or on vacation.”

I blinked, trying to process the audacity of his words.

“You moved in? You moved into my house? Without asking? Ted, are you insane?”

He rolled his eyes, lifting his feet onto the couch and crossing them like he was about to watch a movie.

“Yeah, so what?” he said. “I needed a place to stay, and it’s not like you’d say yes. So, we decided to skip that part. Quit being so uptight, Jeremy. Just help a brother out.”

It was like a switch flipped inside me, the years of watching him leech off my parents, his life one big excuse after another, and somehow, he was the victim here.

Now, he’d taken over my house. Really?

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, my phone rang. Mom. Of course.

I answered, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible.

“Mom, did you and Dad seriously let Theodore move into my house while I was away?”

“Why are you using my full name?” Ted chimed in from the background.

I ignored him.

“Jeremy, don’t be so dramatic,” my mother said, not even a hint of apology in her voice. “Ted needed a place to stay, and you’ve got all that room. You don’t even have kids yet. So what’s the harm in helping out your brother?”

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Mom, he is 42 years old. He isn’t a kid. You’ve let him mooch off you for years, and you want to dump him on me? Are you being serious? Why do you want to treat him like he’s a kid just out of college?”

My mother’s tone shifted, and she immediately went on the defense.

“Oh, mooching, huh?” she said. “I’m disappointed in you, Jeremy. He’s been through a lot. You don’t understand what it’s like to be him. You’ve always had everything together. Ted needs a little more help. And as family, you owe it to him.”

Been through a lot? My brother had two children under the age of five, with two different women. And he didn’t bother to support either of them. How was I supposed to feel sorry for this man?

Before I could respond, my father took the phone, his voice taking over my ear, sounding even more irritated.

“Jeremy, stop being selfish. You’ve got the money, the house, the wife. What’s the big deal? It’s your job to take care of your family. Ted is your brother. He is staying.”

I almost lost my mind. I almost let my anger take over me. But then I remembered that it just wasn’t my style. Ted might’ve thought that he had won this time, but I had a plan.

“It’s not about the space, Dad,” I said. “It’s about respect. Ted can’t just live here without my permission. Nina and I have worked hard for our home. And what’s even worse? My wife just has to deal with this, too.”

From the couch, Ted snorted.

“Oh, come on. Don’t act like you’re all high and mighty. It’s just a house,” he said.

“But you’ve been freeloading off Mom and Dad for years. Why should I trust that you’d do anything differently here? Why can’t you stay with one of your kids and their mom?”

I thought that was the card that would have frustrated him. But he didn’t even flinch.

“Because I’m family, that’s why. Why do you always act like I’m a stranger? It’s my right to stay here. Mom and Dad said that you’d be like this, but I didn’t think you’d be this bad.”

I was done.

“Fine, Ted,” I said. “You want to stay? Sure. Let’s see how that works out.”

I was fine with being horrible to my brother, I mean, someone had to teach him a lesson. But when I went upstairs to tell Nina about everything that had happened on the phone, she was highly frustrated.

“Jer, you can’t be serious,” she said as I sat down on the bed across her.

“I’m going to fix it. I promise you, Nina. I’ll make this right. But I’m going to teach him a lesson first.”

“Well, I don’t want to be here for it. You have a week. Get him out, or I’ll stay gone,” she said.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked.

“I’m going to my sister’s house, Jeremy. I can’t stand your brother, and I will not stay here while he’s here,” she said, packing a suitcase as she spoke.

“I’ll make this right, my love,” I promised her.

For the next week, I made Ted’s life a waking nightmare without ever raising my voice. And with Nina gone, I had a bigger incentive to get him out.

The first thing I did was disconnect the Wi-Fi. Ted, who spent most of his days glued to his phone or binge-watching shows on the TV, was completely lost.

He complained, but I just smiled.

“Oh, the internet? Yeah, it’s been spotty.”

Next, I shut off the hot water. Ted loved his long, lazy showers, but now he was greeted with ice-cold water every morning.

“Must be something wrong with the plumbing,” I’d say innocently when he whined about it.

Then, there was the food.

I stocked the fridge with nothing but tofu, vegetables, and the healthiest food I could find. Ted hated anything that wasn’t greasy or fried. And now, every time he opened the fridge, he groaned like I was starving him.

“You’re family, right?” I’d say. “I’m sure you can deal with a little inconvenience. But it’s for my health, so you’ll be fine.”

To top it all off, I started blasting music at 6 a.m. every day while I had my treadmill session in the gym room. I figured if Ted wasn’t going to contribute to the household, the least he could do was get up early.

He hated it all, of course. And by day five, he looked like he was on the verge of losing his mind.

“Jeremy, man, this is BS,” Ted said one morning, his voice filled with frustration. “I can’t stay here. How do you live like this? No Wi-Fi, no hot water, and no food I enjoy. This is torture.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“I thought you’d be grateful to stay, Ted. It’s not like you’re paying rent or contributing anything. What’s the problem?”

He grumbled something under his breath, clearly fuming.

“Forget it, I’m going back to Mom and Dad’s.”

As he stormed out, dragging his junk with him, I couldn’t help but smile.

But I wasn’t done yet. I cleaned the house top to bottom, went out to get proper groceries, and cooked Nina a good meal. I had already called her during the day and told her that Ted was gone.

“Come home, honey,” I said.

“I’ll see you later,” she said, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

While waiting for Nina to shower, I knew that there was just one more thing to do.

“Mom, Dad,” I said on the phone. “Ted’s out of my house. And he won’t be coming back again. He’s your problem again.”

My mother was furious.

“Jeremy, you can’t just kick him out! Where will he go?”

“That’s up to Ted, Mom. He’s 42. If you guys want to keep coddling him, go ahead. But I’m done.”

After that, I heard that Ted moved back into my parents’ house, but they demanded that he transform the garage into his own space. They forced him to get a job.

Ted was upset, of course, so they blamed it all on me. But I was fine with that. Nina and I had our home back, and we were at peace.